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The last few weeks have been quite tricky, it seems that it still isn't letting up. I thought once I'd physically healed, I would feel better. I thought that once I returned to work, I would feel better. That my mind would be occupied. All would be well, as I would be distracted.  .. It's not.  I find myself permanently exhausted and following on from the exhaustion; constantly emotional. I find myself more explosive, stressed and irritable than ever before. I cannot remember the last time I felt this bad.  Anxiety has my gag reflex going for hours on end daily, I am convinced I'm dying or will die soon in the throes of panic attacks - how many or how frequent, I don't know. I am just sick of constantly being on edge. I begin to tremble, my heart races and my fingers turn into ribbons - can't really use them for anything. But they're trying to do something at least.  I find myself unable to fuel my body, to give it what it needs to function which al...

This post mainly centers on social media and the pressures I face from it. When not working I lose several hours of my day to social media. Why? I'm not sure. I do not particularly enjoy it, it can be an incredibly toxic environment in the incorrect places.  Social makes me feel inadequate , like I am doing life wrong. It almost forces this happy facade for the novelty of others. It is like a crushing, overwhelming pressure to be perfect, happy and feel blessed for all the wonderful things we have in life - when we're not always have such a wonderful time and depression can have a habit of putting the blinkers on all the positives we have (though important to try to identify).  It can make me feel ugly , lonely, boring, fat , too thin among other things. People can be incredibly aggressive behind the protection of their four walls and typing slurs over social media which is unhelpful when 1in4 of us experience a mental health issue. Even so, excluding the mental hea...

Ever since I was young, one of my ultimate dreams was to start a family. I was 16 when I firmly decided this, though it was not the right time and I had not met the right person at the time, I had this dream, goal to strive for and I was so excited for my "one day".  A spanner was thrown in the works upon diagnosis of my mental health problems; they are questionably, partially genetic (my parents do not have my disorder, only my younger sister and I). I googled the shit out of my condition as a frightened and confused 17 year old girl.  Suddenly I wasn't so sure it was what I wanted, I'd feel horrific if I brought a child into the world and they went on to develop my very same condition, still, being young and having not met the "one" for me I tried my best to shove the thoughts to the back of my mind.  It was still something I wanted, but I was now unsure and it felt selfish to run the risk of having a baby and let them endure the same suffering as myse...

I head into my ninth year of formally diagnosed mental illness. Still riding the wave and I have a wonderful self-awareness now. One phrase I have encountered a lot over the years is ‘I wish I could help’. This term is one that stings me. Don’t ‘wish’ you could help – that sounds almost as if you are resigned to the fact I am a lost cause, or beyond help. I do try and avoid throwing obstacles when people make suggestions on what I could do for myself personally. But it would be nice to share my process of recovery with someone else, to have my hand held a little more along the way; though I am a big girl. Support is needed for me sometimes. Supporting people on their journey to a better mental health is not an easy one. But we cannot do it alone. Support, or distraction, may be all we need. This doesn’t mean to say I encourage fellow readers to put themselves in potentially dangerous situations, if applicable. Or exposing themselves to triggers. But sometimes all we need is a little...

Recovery is seldom what we think, we wish and want it to be. I’ll tell you now, recovery doesn’t mean you’ll be completely better, it doesn’t mean that for me at least, anyway. It’s learning to ride the wave and what illness may throw at us. You may never be the same person again, I’m not. When the fact I’d eventually recover was brought into conversation I thought, fantastic, I’m going to be my old self again, maybe rebuild old and lost friendships and perhaps start to enjoy things again. But the truth of recovery is quite different. I believe now I am in a state of recovery, and it isn’t what I thought at all. It’s still struggling some days. I still get the mood swings, I still have to take medication and occasionally, still need to vent about things that bother me. What no one tells you about recovering is it’s like rebuilding yourself from scratch, starting anew, maybe even finding yourself again. It isn’t straightforward and it certainly isn’t picking back up from where you le...

Disclaimer, just my personal account of my experience with depression, there is no positive la di da message here. Its unique to every individual and if you need help please seek it 💕.  Depression is lonely, cruel and soul destroying. It can strip away the positivity from your life and stop your world from turning. You long to be with others but at the very same time it is so exhausting, socialising. You have transformed from being a presentable, vibrant, caring, professional to a dishevelled, pasty, agitated individual;a shell of your former self. Bathing with baby wipes, brushing your teeth once a week, sleeping on the sofa and waking several times a night drenched in sweat.  Every now and then you will be motivated, ready for the fight, trying to lift yourself from the despair you are enveloped in. But still you are too weak and soon succumb once again. Work, that once brought you joy also adds to the pain. People don't get it. You wonder if they will ever understand...

Buckle up folks! It's going to a fun one, wholly uncomfortable on my part but I just want to get things out there with no awkward conversations etc. So here goes nothing.  A while ago I saw a psych for a routine review and he lovingly diagnosed me with an eating disorder, though I've no idea what it is., it's scary, confusing, I'm lost and I don't know what to do with myself. I wrote something this evening and wanted to share it with those of you that still read this. Loves ya's.  "I wish I had it in me to talk".  My mind is a mess, and has been for a while. Think of those recycling centres, or tips as we call them here. Full of shit, junk, trash, whatever. Usually there's someone on the other end of it, taking away the excess and making room for more junk. That's the only way I feel I can describe my state of mind right now, only there's no one on the opposing end, cleaning away the excess.  This next section is about what I wish I...

Today's segment focusses on anxiety and how some don't realise it is beyond mental discomfort such as worrying. It also manifests physically. I personally believe from my own experience that panic attacks don't always appear externally .For myself, it's racing thoughts, palpitations, a subtle tremor (or feeling like my whole body is jelly), as well as gastrointestinal upset. If I'm super lucky, I vomit. But thankfully that hasn't happened for a while. A couple of nights ago, I had a panic attack at work. I'd tried to calm myself, rationalise with my crazy brain, but I could not settle or control it. Out of curiosity, I checked my pulse and it was beating well over 150 beats per minute (for a normal range you're aiming for pulse to be between 60&90bpm). Sometimes my panic attacks aren't visible - they're not as they are televised. For myself it isn't all hyperventilating, crying or recieving a wealth of help and understanding for it (fr...

It’s hard to try explain to people that don’t understand, in fact to say it’s hard is a huge understatement. I sometimes find it completely soul destroying. Yesterday, I was exhausted but very happy, incredibly proud of myself as I’d managed to go to work after having nearly 6 months off. I get embarrassed and lie about it e.g. "I've decided not to pick up any shifts for a bit" (I work bank anyway, so I just make out I pick up shifts to suit myself), I miss that job terribly, it hurts to even think about. For 4 years I was a carer & now I’m too unwell to do it, at all. But I loved that job with all of my heart, to make a difference to people, to help people and ensure they make it through difficult times, it was so rewarding. Unfortunately in the end it made me worse – as you can’t save everyone. Today however, I feel dreadful. When people asked what was wrong, I said it was anxiety, which it was to a degree. My mind was something like a washing machine today ...

Slightly different to usual. Showing how my physical health affects my mental health. Happy reading. Endometriosis; a condition in which tissue grows outside of the womb that acts like womb lining. This causes a vast array of symptoms such as painful periods, heavy bleeding, pain during intercourse and can lead to women having issues with infertility. That's not all of the symptoms, just some. In 2014, at 19 years old I was diagnosed with this condition after a variety of other investigations prior to having a laparoscopy (keyhole surgery). I had ultrasounds, examinations, swabs and was even fobbed off for 3 years by health professionals (my GP's bad, I had to fight 3 years for gyne input). Throughout this time I had a lot of issues with bleeding, leaking, irregular periods, a great deal of pain amongst other things. I remember my surgeon telling me if there was no endo (abbreviation for endometriosis) I'd only wake up with a couple of scars. So as soon as I came to, ...

To give a bit of background, I hold some bitterness towards psychs - I don't know why. Perhaps it's the way they present themselves that irritates me, being given a new diagnosis by letter rather than face to face or maybe, it was the recommendation that I read this book...  Happy reading.  Don't get me wrong, I've not read the whole book. Around 42 pages; a free preview I got with the app store. And my goodness! I'm so glad I didn't part with the £6.99 the book costs! #Waste.  Whilst I accept 'the happiness trap' is valid - it makes perfect sense to me. I'm not one afflicted by it. Not at all. Still, I thank you for the recommendation. In just 42 pages I feel I have the gist of the book, perfectly. The idea being that so many of us meander through life, satisfied with little to nothing but feeling as though we'll feel better when we achieve 'X' (we then achieve X and are not satisfied further until we achieve 'A' - A new g...

//TW; SUICIDE// *Contains talk of suicide so if a trigger go back now* This will probably be a hash of garbled shit but fuck me, I have been feeling terrible. And its not a new thing. Its been drawn out for months and doesn't appear to be lifting. In fact, I could probably argue with how it's beginning to manifest, it's getting worse. I feel my anger is on the rise, I'm isolating myself, despite people trying to contact me and my desire to respond. You see, I feel like a problem, riddled with problems and I can't talk anymore, despite many offers of chats. Sometimes I'll vent a little but ultimately it serves no purpose as it's not beneficial to me and certainly not beneficial to those I'm venting to. I merely show them the tip of the iceberg. However, I am putting this out there so that people know I am not deliberately being a piece of shit. Carrying out the simplest of tasks causes undue stress. I live in a permanent state of anxiety and exhaus...

Time to talk day is only a few days away now and whilst I've found today particularly rough, I thought I'd take the opportunity to make a blog post, in spirit of time to talk day. Today I saw my new psychiatrist for the very first time. It's incredibly difficult first meeting someone and having to tear down your emotional barriers. Shed your emotional skin. From today I've gained (MORE) medication, and more labels added to the list (for them, not for us) (We're labelled so they know how to treat our said disorder, as you'd treat say bipolar differently as to how you would treat depression in terms of medications and therapies etc). But there's a bigger point to this. No matter how difficult or seemingly pointless things may seem, talking may seem, it needs to be done. Without a doubt. With each passing day, each new mental health symptom, I have increasingly felt like a lost cause, beyond recovery and damaged beyond repair. But today, I've felt a li...

So, howdy folks. Lots going on as per usual and many of it, is not good. I started a new job Monday, was just doing training and by Tuesday thanks to yet another mental health crisis, I again, had no job. Gg (means good game to those of you that don't know). Life for me right now is just one long, drawn out, shitty, depressive episode for me right now. I've lost all ability to feel pleasure, losing my sense of humour again, the skills still aren't working for me and I'm just feeling like a useless piece of shit to be honest. It's brilliant. All I can do, all day every day is lay down, I'm weak, tired and dizzy from the medication I'm on. I'm lucky once again if I can even shower and eating has totally gone out of the window though I'm obsessive about food at present. I don't know what I'm doing to myself, it certainly isn't helpful but alas, I cannot help myself for the life of me. Just falling further down the hole and it's oh...

When being ill fucks up your life, don't do what I'm about to do. It's looking like I've fucked up the job offer I'd had. Not a good feeling - in fact, in it's the fucking worst. So what am I going to do? I'll give up. I'll do absolutely fuck all. Which is unrealistic and I'll hate it but maybe I'm not worth anything after all. Work is fulfilling, as is being able to contribute to the household. Nothing would make me happier, but there's no guarantee my.. disorder, wouldn't flare up whilst at work. I know I am really good at what I do and how devoted to it I am. But people don't know how to take me as I'm somewhat unconventional as a person. I sometimes love myself; perhaps a little too much. The majority of the time however, I absolutely loathe myself. I overthink. Like maybe I blame my illness too much, maybe being unwell isn't the issue and I'm the problem. I'm so close to reaching my breaking point again, it'...

So, the psychiatrist was lovely and provided some wonderful insight into my mind. I have a lot of insight, don't get me wrong. But she's familiar with all the fantastic terminology. What she informed me is I am moderately depressed, I have something called learned helplessness (a very interesting read). She also informed me that I am struggling to deal with my wonderful relationship with my partner. How strange!! But I understand it, 90% of my relationships with people whether romantically or friendships etc have been toxic to me. in some way or other. For example, I've been with a few abusive partners, people that have treated me like shit for whatever reason, either emotionally or physically abusive; that, has left it's scars. So back to my new relationship, apparently I can't deal with how good it is because of how toxic my relationships have ordinarily been. Baffling but understandable at the same time! This was the first time in a very long time I actually fel...

"This time it's different" You may well look at me and think I'm a picture of good mental health. Covered with make up, I talk, I engage and I have great insight into my illness which is both wonderful and awful at the same time. Unfortunately for me, I'm incredibly good at putting on a front which leads  to me sometimes not being taken as seriously as I'd like. For example, in a letter written by the last consultant I saw, she stated I'm subjectively low, which I know means I have stated I am low but they did not see that. Which is hard. I know I don't present as the typical depressed person, normal speech, eye contact, good rapport etc but I am symptomatic e.g. feelings of hopelessness, suicidal ideation, disturbed sleep and eating. My list could go on. Lucky for me it is also coupled with intense guilt, intense agitation and fleeting feelings of total despair. I'd like to think I'm intelligent, at times anyway. And I know something is ve...

So, as I keep informing you all. In bad place, blah blah blah. What I am learning however, is I can ride this fucking wave. I can do it. I know parts of why I'm low. That's great. So if you struggle, if you try to identify it. Piece by piece. It might help, who knows! Mine is instability coupled with a lack of routine, as structure is so important for someone like me. Banging (Oh my god did I actually just use that word). In crisis? Call someone! This can be a loved one, the Samaritans (116 123) or your local crisis team. If you'd prefer to see someone then perhaps seek out the advice of your GP. Talk about it. Let it all out, cry, talk and remember you've got this. Tell yourself that, even if you don't believe it at first. You've done this before, you can do it again. Or perhaps you haven't, but still, you can do it and I believe in you. It doesn't need to end negatively. This morning.. I went, full swing into meltdown. A full on meltd...

So this is just something I wrote in my notebook, started out great but gradually deteriorated with my mood and is as follows. Happy reading. Emotionally unstable, correct. However this doesn't mean I'm totally incapable of achieving great things. Perhaps I may not achieve as much as everyone else, but still; achievements are achievements. Mine may well be smaller than others, such as having a shower is a great achievement to myself but probably just part of basic function for an 'ordinary' person. So I guess that's a win, learning to appreciate the little things. Though little things still affect me, especially when it begins to stack up. Being off mood stabilisers isn't totally helpful either. This is no understatement when I say, I feel fucked. I am in a way. I am able to acknowledge the positives in life such as living in an amazing environment and having support from my partner, bestie and my dad. I'm also getting an outpouring of support from fri...

So, recently I've been having a little bit of a tough patch. To those of you that don't know, I struggle with borderline personality disorder, now known as emotionally unstable personality disorder amongst other things such as post traumatic stress disorder and depression and anxiety intermittently. I'm a grab bag of shit! Haha! As of late, I've struggled with mood swings and severe agitation. I don't know how I've not screamed at anyone or lost my cool. Tonight, I did some more reading into my disorder and horrified to still find so much stigma surrounding the disorder, it's incredibly upsetting though I tried to laugh it off. As those people clearly lack insight. We are not 'crazy', 'psycho's' or 'manipulative' amongst other things our label has us labelled with. We are people too. We struggle to regulate our emotions, hence mood swings, have inappropriate anger, some have a fear of real or imagined abandonment, struggle wi...