Here I am.

Buckle up folks! It's going to a fun one, wholly uncomfortable on my part but I just want to get things out there with no awkward conversations etc. So here goes nothing. 
A while ago I saw a psych for a routine review and he lovingly diagnosed me with an eating disorder, though I've no idea what it is., it's scary, confusing, I'm lost and I don't know what to do with myself. I wrote something this evening and wanted to share it with those of you that still read this. Loves ya's. 


"I wish I had it in me to talk". 

My mind is a mess, and has been for a while. Think of those recycling centres, or tips as we call them here. Full of shit, junk, trash, whatever. Usually there's someone on the other end of it, taking away the excess and making room for more junk. That's the only way I feel I can describe my state of mind right now, only there's no one on the opposing end, cleaning away the excess. 

This next section is about what I wish I could tell people, especially the professionals. The people that tell me there's no problem, I'm healthy, well you ate *insert here* earlier, things can't be that bad?!
I wish I could describe the guilt, the disgust I feel when I cave and I eat. When I have to, before I pass out. I wish I could enjoy the things I bake for others. I wish I could explain what's going on with myself, but I can't? You don't understand it? SWEET, neither do I! :)

The psych, and my beautiful other half tell me, told me not to feel ashamed, just to be honest, open and to work on starting to get better. But good god there's so much shame within me. I cannot begin to describe it. It's not necessarily about being thin either. In my rational mind, I know it won't make me happier. But equally the idea of gaining weight terrifies me... Earlier today I thought I'd gained a few  pounds and I had a total meltdown. I can't stand eating in front of others, others that I don't know well. And I don't like seeing people eat. 

They seem so happy. And it hurts me, I wish I could be THAT happy, whilst eating food. Bizarre. I hate how eating makes me feel, bloated, pissed off, upset and disgusting. But it's something basic, that we need to survive??? 

I hate that I can't have a bath without being in pain, because my bones stick out and make it so uncomfortable, this used to be my go to self soothe shit. And now it upsets me, it makes me cry at times even. 

And I hate when people comment on my weight, I know it's out of concern but it upsets me. I repulse myself, I do not like what I see, I obsess about it, all day, every day. 

I hate that this strangeness has consumed me and I'm no longer in control, that I don't want to gain, that maybe I want to lose more, I hate feeling so lost, so confused and stuck & I hate that I'm not getting proper mental health support (professional help). 

I hate the guilt, the shame and the fear. 

I hate it.