So sad. Much pain.

It’s hard to try explain to people that don’t understand, in fact to say it’s hard is a huge understatement. I sometimes find it completely soul destroying. Yesterday, I was exhausted but very happy, incredibly proud of myself as I’d managed to go to work after having nearly 6 months off. I get embarrassed and lie about it e.g. "I've decided not to pick up any shifts for a bit" (I work bank anyway, so I just make out I pick up shifts to suit myself), I miss that job terribly, it hurts to even think about. For 4 years I was a carer & now I’m too unwell to do it, at all. But I loved that job with all of my heart, to make a difference to people, to help people and ensure they make it through difficult times, it was so rewarding. Unfortunately in the end it made me worse – as you can’t save everyone. Today however, I feel dreadful. When people asked what was wrong, I said it was anxiety, which it was to a degree. My mind was something like a washing machine today & for the life of me I couldn’t make it stop, 2^nd day in to starting a new job (agency by the way so unsure of sickness rights etc also the inner monologue of are you even sick?!?! LOL) and I was a flaky fucking mess. Panicking and crying.. a lot.

Where do you go and what do you do when you’re supposedly getting as much help as possible? What do you do when you have disorder A, disorder B and traits of C, D, E? When you’re overwhelmed, what do you do? I crumble, I know I shouldn’t be but I’m deeply ashamed of who I am, 90% of the time.

Yes I try my best but I’m painfully aware that my best isn’t enough. I’m tired of hearing ‘Calm down’, ‘what has set this off?’ or ‘you were fine earlier, something must have happened since!?’. I have been on this magical ride for the last 7/8 years, I’m tired of hearing it takes time. Have I not been struggling long enough?

I feel inadequate for everyone in my life and regularly ghost people because I figure they’re better off with me not around. Having struggled since being a child and developing depression and anxiety at 15, I feel completely and utterly incompatible with life. I have no tolerance for experiencing negative emotions, I have no idea how to cope, I have had therapy but the strategies no longer help. I can barely leave the house, it's become very apparent that I can't work and I feel it'll be this way forever.

I want to run away, not to a new destination but away from myself.

I just need a hug and for everything to be okay.

I just want to be okay.