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When being ill fucks up your life, don't do what I'm about to do. It's looking like I've fucked up the job offer I'd had. Not a good feeling - in fact, in it's the fucking worst. So what am I going to do? I'll give up. I'll do absolutely fuck all. Which is unrealistic and I'll hate it but maybe I'm not worth anything after all. Work is fulfilling, as is being able to contribute to the household. Nothing would make me happier, but there's no guarantee my.. disorder, wouldn't flare up whilst at work. I know I am really good at what I do and how devoted to it I am. But people don't know how to take me as I'm somewhat unconventional as a person. I sometimes love myself; perhaps a little too much. The majority of the time however, I absolutely loathe myself. I overthink. Like maybe I blame my illness too much, maybe being unwell isn't the issue and I'm the problem. I'm so close to reaching my breaking point again, it'

So, the psychiatrist was lovely and provided some wonderful insight into my mind. I have a lot of insight, don't get me wrong. But she's familiar with all the fantastic terminology. What she informed me is I am moderately depressed, I have something called learned helplessness (a very interesting read). She also informed me that I am struggling to deal with my wonderful relationship with my partner. How strange!! But I understand it, 90% of my relationships with people whether romantically or friendships etc have been toxic to me. in some way or other. For example, I've been with a few abusive partners, people that have treated me like shit for whatever reason, either emotionally or physically abusive; that, has left it's scars. So back to my new relationship, apparently I can't deal with how good it is because of how toxic my relationships have ordinarily been. Baffling but understandable at the same time! This was the first time in a very long time I actually fel

"This time it's different" You may well look at me and think I'm a picture of good mental health. Covered with make up, I talk, I engage and I have great insight into my illness which is both wonderful and awful at the same time. Unfortunately for me, I'm incredibly good at putting on a front which leads  to me sometimes not being taken as seriously as I'd like. For example, in a letter written by the last consultant I saw, she stated I'm subjectively low, which I know means I have stated I am low but they did not see that. Which is hard. I know I don't present as the typical depressed person, normal speech, eye contact, good rapport etc but I am symptomatic e.g. feelings of hopelessness, suicidal ideation, disturbed sleep and eating. My list could go on. Lucky for me it is also coupled with intense guilt, intense agitation and fleeting feelings of total despair. I'd like to think I'm intelligent, at times anyway. And I know something is ve

So, as I keep informing you all. In bad place, blah blah blah. What I am learning however, is I can ride this fucking wave. I can do it. I know parts of why I'm low. That's great. So if you struggle, if you try to identify it. Piece by piece. It might help, who knows! Mine is instability coupled with a lack of routine, as structure is so important for someone like me. Banging (Oh my god did I actually just use that word). In crisis? Call someone! This can be a loved one, the Samaritans (116 123) or your local crisis team. If you'd prefer to see someone then perhaps seek out the advice of your GP. Talk about it. Let it all out, cry, talk and remember you've got this. Tell yourself that, even if you don't believe it at first. You've done this before, you can do it again. Or perhaps you haven't, but still, you can do it and I believe in you. It doesn't need to end negatively. This morning.. I went, full swing into meltdown. A full on meltd

So this is just something I wrote in my notebook, started out great but gradually deteriorated with my mood and is as follows. Happy reading. Emotionally unstable, correct. However this doesn't mean I'm totally incapable of achieving great things. Perhaps I may not achieve as much as everyone else, but still; achievements are achievements. Mine may well be smaller than others, such as having a shower is a great achievement to myself but probably just part of basic function for an 'ordinary' person. So I guess that's a win, learning to appreciate the little things. Though little things still affect me, especially when it begins to stack up. Being off mood stabilisers isn't totally helpful either. This is no understatement when I say, I feel fucked. I am in a way. I am able to acknowledge the positives in life such as living in an amazing environment and having support from my partner, bestie and my dad. I'm also getting an outpouring of support from fri

So, recently I've been having a little bit of a tough patch. To those of you that don't know, I struggle with borderline personality disorder, now known as emotionally unstable personality disorder amongst other things such as post traumatic stress disorder and depression and anxiety intermittently. I'm a grab bag of shit! Haha! As of late, I've struggled with mood swings and severe agitation. I don't know how I've not screamed at anyone or lost my cool. Tonight, I did some more reading into my disorder and horrified to still find so much stigma surrounding the disorder, it's incredibly upsetting though I tried to laugh it off. As those people clearly lack insight. We are not 'crazy', 'psycho's' or 'manipulative' amongst other things our label has us labelled with. We are people too. We struggle to regulate our emotions, hence mood swings, have inappropriate anger, some have a fear of real or imagined abandonment, struggle wi

A big shoutout to a few people. There are a few special people, keeping me going during this difficult time. Will get to that bit in a minute. Yesterday and today have been total showers of shit. Complete showers of shit, I've been crazy, tearful, cried a lot and had mood swings a great deal too. Last night I was pretty hammered and cried so much; I was celebrating good news you see! But there are a few people I can talk to about these things and a few people that have left messages or comments of support which means the world. If you're reading this you know who you are! 3 people in particular have gone above and beyond to help to support me. My beautiful boyfriend,  my wonderful best friend and my dad. My best friend No matter  the amount of shit he faces, the amount of stress and pressure he's under. He is here and always listens, without judgement and always encourages me to do the right thing. We have been best friends for such a long time, since my early teens

"It's okay if I'm a bit unstable" "I don't care if I am in denial, it's a mild syndrome"   Time for a good old rant, because oh my god I need it and I need to stop putting my shit on other people for a change. The past couple of weeks have been quite difficult, I had some unpleasant anxiety to begin with as a side effect of my medication and in turn, my doctor took me off all medication. So I have slowly unravelled which has been unpleasant for my nearest and dearest I imagine. I hate having put so much on those that I love and those closest to me. In fact it was only a couple of weeks ago I was writing about being in a state of recovery and what recovery actually is. It even got published, see link below. Here At this point I just feel like I'm full of shit and my words are of no use to anyone; as I'm full of shit. I've been in and out of relapse all year nearly, been hospitalized, in respite. Informed to use the skills that

Periods and Mental Health 101. This is all a giant joke, just a heads up to anyone that reads this. Humour is my way of dealing with it. So if you don't like it, leave now :). A little list of to do and not to do whilst on your period. DO hide the knives DO hide the pills [especially paracetamol!!] DEFINITELY throw tampons and chocolate at subject from a safe distance DO NOT ask if we are okay DO NOT laugh when we cry at something seemingly insignificant DO NOT make subject angry DO lock all doors and keep subject hostage in house; vehicles are dangerous at this delicate time of the month. I'm all out of funny for now, stay tuned I suppose. Stay safe, Don't hurt yourself xoxo