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Disclaimer, just my personal account of my experience with depression, there is no positive la di da message here. Its unique to every individual and if you need help please seek it 💕.  Depression is lonely, cruel and soul destroying. It can strip away the positivity from your life and stop your world from turning. You long to be with others but at the very same time it is so exhausting, socialising. You have transformed from being a presentable, vibrant, caring, professional to a dishevelled, pasty, agitated individual;a shell of your former self. Bathing with baby wipes, brushing your teeth once a week, sleeping on the sofa and waking several times a night drenched in sweat.  Every now and then you will be motivated, ready for the fight, trying to lift yourself from the despair you are enveloped in. But still you are too weak and soon succumb once again. Work, that once brought you joy also adds to the pain. People don't get it. You wonder if they will ever understand...

Buckle up folks! It's going to a fun one, wholly uncomfortable on my part but I just want to get things out there with no awkward conversations etc. So here goes nothing.  A while ago I saw a psych for a routine review and he lovingly diagnosed me with an eating disorder, though I've no idea what it is., it's scary, confusing, I'm lost and I don't know what to do with myself. I wrote something this evening and wanted to share it with those of you that still read this. Loves ya's.  "I wish I had it in me to talk".  My mind is a mess, and has been for a while. Think of those recycling centres, or tips as we call them here. Full of shit, junk, trash, whatever. Usually there's someone on the other end of it, taking away the excess and making room for more junk. That's the only way I feel I can describe my state of mind right now, only there's no one on the opposing end, cleaning away the excess.  This next section is about what I wish I...

Today's segment focusses on anxiety and how some don't realise it is beyond mental discomfort such as worrying. It also manifests physically. I personally believe from my own experience that panic attacks don't always appear externally .For myself, it's racing thoughts, palpitations, a subtle tremor (or feeling like my whole body is jelly), as well as gastrointestinal upset. If I'm super lucky, I vomit. But thankfully that hasn't happened for a while. A couple of nights ago, I had a panic attack at work. I'd tried to calm myself, rationalise with my crazy brain, but I could not settle or control it. Out of curiosity, I checked my pulse and it was beating well over 150 beats per minute (for a normal range you're aiming for pulse to be between 60&90bpm). Sometimes my panic attacks aren't visible - they're not as they are televised. For myself it isn't all hyperventilating, crying or recieving a wealth of help and understanding for it (fr...

It’s hard to try explain to people that don’t understand, in fact to say it’s hard is a huge understatement. I sometimes find it completely soul destroying. Yesterday, I was exhausted but very happy, incredibly proud of myself as I’d managed to go to work after having nearly 6 months off. I get embarrassed and lie about it e.g. "I've decided not to pick up any shifts for a bit" (I work bank anyway, so I just make out I pick up shifts to suit myself), I miss that job terribly, it hurts to even think about. For 4 years I was a carer & now I’m too unwell to do it, at all. But I loved that job with all of my heart, to make a difference to people, to help people and ensure they make it through difficult times, it was so rewarding. Unfortunately in the end it made me worse – as you can’t save everyone. Today however, I feel dreadful. When people asked what was wrong, I said it was anxiety, which it was to a degree. My mind was something like a washing machine today ...

Slightly different to usual. Showing how my physical health affects my mental health. Happy reading. Endometriosis; a condition in which tissue grows outside of the womb that acts like womb lining. This causes a vast array of symptoms such as painful periods, heavy bleeding, pain during intercourse and can lead to women having issues with infertility. That's not all of the symptoms, just some. In 2014, at 19 years old I was diagnosed with this condition after a variety of other investigations prior to having a laparoscopy (keyhole surgery). I had ultrasounds, examinations, swabs and was even fobbed off for 3 years by health professionals (my GP's bad, I had to fight 3 years for gyne input). Throughout this time I had a lot of issues with bleeding, leaking, irregular periods, a great deal of pain amongst other things. I remember my surgeon telling me if there was no endo (abbreviation for endometriosis) I'd only wake up with a couple of scars. So as soon as I came to, ...

To give a bit of background, I hold some bitterness towards psychs - I don't know why. Perhaps it's the way they present themselves that irritates me, being given a new diagnosis by letter rather than face to face or maybe, it was the recommendation that I read this book...  Happy reading.  Don't get me wrong, I've not read the whole book. Around 42 pages; a free preview I got with the app store. And my goodness! I'm so glad I didn't part with the £6.99 the book costs! #Waste.  Whilst I accept 'the happiness trap' is valid - it makes perfect sense to me. I'm not one afflicted by it. Not at all. Still, I thank you for the recommendation. In just 42 pages I feel I have the gist of the book, perfectly. The idea being that so many of us meander through life, satisfied with little to nothing but feeling as though we'll feel better when we achieve 'X' (we then achieve X and are not satisfied further until we achieve 'A' - A new g...

//TW; SUICIDE// *Contains talk of suicide so if a trigger go back now* This will probably be a hash of garbled shit but fuck me, I have been feeling terrible. And its not a new thing. Its been drawn out for months and doesn't appear to be lifting. In fact, I could probably argue with how it's beginning to manifest, it's getting worse. I feel my anger is on the rise, I'm isolating myself, despite people trying to contact me and my desire to respond. You see, I feel like a problem, riddled with problems and I can't talk anymore, despite many offers of chats. Sometimes I'll vent a little but ultimately it serves no purpose as it's not beneficial to me and certainly not beneficial to those I'm venting to. I merely show them the tip of the iceberg. However, I am putting this out there so that people know I am not deliberately being a piece of shit. Carrying out the simplest of tasks causes undue stress. I live in a permanent state of anxiety and exhaus...