"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell"

So, howdy folks.
Lots going on as per usual and many of it, is not good.

I started a new job Monday, was just doing training and by Tuesday thanks to yet another mental health crisis, I again, had no job. Gg (means good game to those of you that don't know).

Life for me right now is just one long, drawn out, shitty, depressive episode for me right now. I've lost all ability to feel pleasure, losing my sense of humour again, the skills still aren't working for me and I'm just feeling like a useless piece of shit to be honest. It's brilliant.

All I can do, all day every day is lay down, I'm weak, tired and dizzy from the medication I'm on. I'm lucky once again if I can even shower and eating has totally gone out of the window though I'm obsessive about food at present. I don't know what I'm doing to myself, it certainly isn't helpful but alas, I cannot help myself for the life of me. Just falling further down the hole and it's oh so great **heavy on the sarcasm here**. I'm finding comfort in memes about suicide, as suicidal is something I'm feeling fairly frequently. I am in limbo waiting for help from the mental health team though I've already had telephone contact and whilst that was helpful it was incredibly short lived. Like most 'relief' these days. I wish I could just drag out the relief a little longer, perhaps it'd remind me that things aren't permanently bad but due to my current state of mind, everything [most things] feel bad. It leads to a cycle of bad thoughts.
It feels like things will be this way permanently.

Everything sets me off onto a guilt trip or bad feeling. For example, last night we were watching something called employable me and because my 'disability' isn't visible, people can't see it and it's not something I'm always comfortable disclosing straight off the bat, it made me feel bad because it's almost like it's not visible, so it's not there for other people to see. They just have to take my word for it really and sometimes it doesn't feel as if they do at all. Maybe I should get a tattoo on my forehead to outline it for some people.

I've now got a couple of deficiencies which is probably adding to the severity of the depression. Just, nothing helps anymore. I feel disconnected from everyone, sort of shoving people away or not opening up when I have the opportunity. I feel like I'll just be subject to further shitty advice. Well it's not shitty, it's quite constructive at the moment but none of it helps if you can't help yourself.
Some days it still feels like I am guaranteed to die by my own hand and it's a very scary thought. I just don't know how to prevent the slip further down when I'm already feeling so powerless.

Rant over I suppose, thanks for listening to my bullshit.