Words, find words!
//TW; SUICIDE//
*Contains talk of suicide so if a trigger go back now*
This will probably be a hash of garbled shit but fuck me, I have been feeling terrible. And its not a new thing. Its been drawn out for months and doesn't appear to be lifting. In fact, I could probably argue with how it's beginning to manifest, it's getting worse. I feel my anger is on the rise, I'm isolating myself, despite people trying to contact me and my desire to respond.
You see, I feel like a problem, riddled with problems and I can't talk anymore, despite many offers of chats. Sometimes I'll vent a little but ultimately it serves no purpose as it's not beneficial to me and certainly not beneficial to those I'm venting to. I merely show them the tip of the iceberg.
However, I am putting this out there so that people know I am not deliberately being a piece of shit. Carrying out the simplest of tasks causes undue stress. I live in a permanent state of anxiety and exhaustion. My mind creates crazy scenarios and they HURT, make me feel physically sick, give me an upset stomach and palpitations (fun). I am also a fucker for downplaying how I feel, acting as if it's no big deal (I'm so sick of being so needy and having so many issues) so I say things like; 'I'm fine, just having a bad day, I'll be alright' or 'just waiting for meds to start working!'. When every day, every single day, sometimes from my waking moment even I am near constantly distressed, unable to relax, because of a vast array of symptoms and terrified that this state of being mentally unwell will be the end of me. I'm not living at all, just existing and constantly feeling like shit in some way or other. It isn't great and whilst I probably don't meet criteria for being suicidal, I'd say I am. But clinging on for dear life for the sake of others. When I guess it should be for myself too, though I suppose anything will make the professionals happy - I'm not creating bed space issues in some hospital somewhere and I have identified a reason to live, despite my seemingly endless suffering.
I get quizzed whenever I present myself to them in this state, like it's a box ticking exercise. I'm not your typical suicidal individual and whilst I feel at present I have no intention of acting, I wonder how long it will be before I snap because I inevitably will.
It's all complex. Enough of that.
I guess it just feels sometimes it'd be kinder if I disappeared, kinder to my loved ones, so they wouldn't have to put up with my crazy antics, outbursts, mental health and physical issues. Eventually they'd be able to continue without me, not having to take care of me 24/7 or worrying when I'll next lose my shit.
My ultimate point though is (excuse my suicidal tangent), I'm not deliberately being a piece of shit, antisocial or hard work - because lets face it, I am (hard work I mean). I just hurt so much right now - mostly because of my toxic anxious mind, I fail to find words good enough to cover how I truly feel, so people understand the great scale, magnitude even, of my pain. It hurts, it burns and I'm too tired to pretend I am okay or it's no biggie. Equally, I am struggling to let people in. So I regularly fester in my own thoughts (NOT HEALTHY, DON'T DO IT). I don't want to hear it gets better (I've had that for 10 years and things have progressively deteriorated as I've aged). I can't talk, properly anyway. I just treat it as one big joke.
I'd just like to lay in a dark room and cry for a little while.
PEACE.
**not going to act on thoughts
** I DO have a good life and good things in it but mental health, ayyyy
** None of this is a piece of advice, if you are struggling please do the total opposite of what I am doing right now, as it's unhelpful and causes further hurt.
DO
- Talk to a friend
- Call your local crisis team
- Try find ways to let it out (mine is writing for example)
- See your GP/Call your mental health team/nurse
DONT
-Give into the thoughts, you got this.
*Contains talk of suicide so if a trigger go back now*
This will probably be a hash of garbled shit but fuck me, I have been feeling terrible. And its not a new thing. Its been drawn out for months and doesn't appear to be lifting. In fact, I could probably argue with how it's beginning to manifest, it's getting worse. I feel my anger is on the rise, I'm isolating myself, despite people trying to contact me and my desire to respond.
You see, I feel like a problem, riddled with problems and I can't talk anymore, despite many offers of chats. Sometimes I'll vent a little but ultimately it serves no purpose as it's not beneficial to me and certainly not beneficial to those I'm venting to. I merely show them the tip of the iceberg.
However, I am putting this out there so that people know I am not deliberately being a piece of shit. Carrying out the simplest of tasks causes undue stress. I live in a permanent state of anxiety and exhaustion. My mind creates crazy scenarios and they HURT, make me feel physically sick, give me an upset stomach and palpitations (fun). I am also a fucker for downplaying how I feel, acting as if it's no big deal (I'm so sick of being so needy and having so many issues) so I say things like; 'I'm fine, just having a bad day, I'll be alright' or 'just waiting for meds to start working!'. When every day, every single day, sometimes from my waking moment even I am near constantly distressed, unable to relax, because of a vast array of symptoms and terrified that this state of being mentally unwell will be the end of me. I'm not living at all, just existing and constantly feeling like shit in some way or other. It isn't great and whilst I probably don't meet criteria for being suicidal, I'd say I am. But clinging on for dear life for the sake of others. When I guess it should be for myself too, though I suppose anything will make the professionals happy - I'm not creating bed space issues in some hospital somewhere and I have identified a reason to live, despite my seemingly endless suffering.
I get quizzed whenever I present myself to them in this state, like it's a box ticking exercise. I'm not your typical suicidal individual and whilst I feel at present I have no intention of acting, I wonder how long it will be before I snap because I inevitably will.
It's all complex. Enough of that.
I guess it just feels sometimes it'd be kinder if I disappeared, kinder to my loved ones, so they wouldn't have to put up with my crazy antics, outbursts, mental health and physical issues. Eventually they'd be able to continue without me, not having to take care of me 24/7 or worrying when I'll next lose my shit.
My ultimate point though is (excuse my suicidal tangent), I'm not deliberately being a piece of shit, antisocial or hard work - because lets face it, I am (hard work I mean). I just hurt so much right now - mostly because of my toxic anxious mind, I fail to find words good enough to cover how I truly feel, so people understand the great scale, magnitude even, of my pain. It hurts, it burns and I'm too tired to pretend I am okay or it's no biggie. Equally, I am struggling to let people in. So I regularly fester in my own thoughts (NOT HEALTHY, DON'T DO IT). I don't want to hear it gets better (I've had that for 10 years and things have progressively deteriorated as I've aged). I can't talk, properly anyway. I just treat it as one big joke.
I'd just like to lay in a dark room and cry for a little while.
PEACE.
**not going to act on thoughts
** I DO have a good life and good things in it but mental health, ayyyy
** None of this is a piece of advice, if you are struggling please do the total opposite of what I am doing right now, as it's unhelpful and causes further hurt.
DO
- Talk to a friend
- Call your local crisis team
- Try find ways to let it out (mine is writing for example)
- See your GP/Call your mental health team/nurse
DONT
-Give into the thoughts, you got this.
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