A letter to my psychiatrist
"This time it's different"
You may well look at me and think I'm a picture of good mental health. Covered with make up, I talk, I engage and I have great insight into my illness which is both wonderful and awful at the same time. Unfortunately for me, I'm incredibly good at putting on a front which leads to me sometimes not being taken as seriously as I'd like. For example, in a letter written by the last consultant I saw, she stated I'm subjectively low, which I know means I have stated I am low but they did not see that. Which is hard.
I know I don't present as the typical depressed person, normal speech, eye contact, good rapport etc but I am symptomatic e.g. feelings of hopelessness, suicidal ideation, disturbed sleep and eating. My list could go on. Lucky for me it is also coupled with intense guilt, intense agitation and fleeting feelings of total despair. I'd like to think I'm intelligent, at times anyway. And I know something is very wrong. I've never had an episode quite so bad. I feel incredibly aggressive, my nervous tics are on the increase, I am subject to racing thoughts, disturbing images when I close my eyes to sleep and a complete inability to do anything for myself. It's a miracle when I shower.
I can't leave the house ordinarily due to the anxiety and agitation. It's like I am dying inside, losing the energy to fight this any longer. I cry every day. This thing, this entity is nothing like anything I've ever experienced before. I acknowledge that I need help, I hope the help; helps. But I would also really like to know what on Earth is happening to me. I've been unwell many times before, but this time it's different.
I'm not 100% what the purpose of this posting was, perhaps there's a point to it. Something like this: people may look fine, all rosy. Not fitting the stereotypes of having mental health issues at all. However, it doesn't mean they're not there and they don't exist. I think after a period most people adjust to hiding it away and we're all under so much pressure via social media to portray the 'perfect' life we're having. Life can still be good without it being perfect.
Let it out, talk to people about it. As always, you can email me here.
You may well look at me and think I'm a picture of good mental health. Covered with make up, I talk, I engage and I have great insight into my illness which is both wonderful and awful at the same time. Unfortunately for me, I'm incredibly good at putting on a front which leads to me sometimes not being taken as seriously as I'd like. For example, in a letter written by the last consultant I saw, she stated I'm subjectively low, which I know means I have stated I am low but they did not see that. Which is hard.
I know I don't present as the typical depressed person, normal speech, eye contact, good rapport etc but I am symptomatic e.g. feelings of hopelessness, suicidal ideation, disturbed sleep and eating. My list could go on. Lucky for me it is also coupled with intense guilt, intense agitation and fleeting feelings of total despair. I'd like to think I'm intelligent, at times anyway. And I know something is very wrong. I've never had an episode quite so bad. I feel incredibly aggressive, my nervous tics are on the increase, I am subject to racing thoughts, disturbing images when I close my eyes to sleep and a complete inability to do anything for myself. It's a miracle when I shower.
I can't leave the house ordinarily due to the anxiety and agitation. It's like I am dying inside, losing the energy to fight this any longer. I cry every day. This thing, this entity is nothing like anything I've ever experienced before. I acknowledge that I need help, I hope the help; helps. But I would also really like to know what on Earth is happening to me. I've been unwell many times before, but this time it's different.
I'm not 100% what the purpose of this posting was, perhaps there's a point to it. Something like this: people may look fine, all rosy. Not fitting the stereotypes of having mental health issues at all. However, it doesn't mean they're not there and they don't exist. I think after a period most people adjust to hiding it away and we're all under so much pressure via social media to portray the 'perfect' life we're having. Life can still be good without it being perfect.
Let it out, talk to people about it. As always, you can email me here.
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